He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
