I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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