I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
