I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
