help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
