wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
meet me or not, i'm out of control
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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