Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
