You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
