just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The feeling are messing with the penis
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
