I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize