Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
