You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
