Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
