did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
literally had 100 drinks last night.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
