Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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