tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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