I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
