He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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