Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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