My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
