if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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