I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
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Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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