I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
