If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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