how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
