I hate your face
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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