Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
