Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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