We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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