Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
