Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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