we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
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It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
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Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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