oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
