If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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