I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
