this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
