A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
