He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
there is glitter all over my balls
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
