she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.