Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
