I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
