I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
