The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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