I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
