I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
be right there i have to get my cape
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
