6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
