She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
