life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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