new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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