I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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