I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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