I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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