I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
