Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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