when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
