I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You have to summon your inner elephant
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
