I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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