She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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